You Have to Fight With Yourself For Yourself

We’ve all had our share of disappointments, feelings of uncertainty and loneliness, and fear of change. And none of us are immune from experiencing these emotions again. But you have to decide to live life on your terms. From a higher awareness of who you are.

Yes, there is a price to pay.

Taking control and being accountable for your life requires discipline, focus, and sacrifice. At times, it means standing alone. My saving grace was a conscious decision to embrace the process, to grow through the process while holding onto my self-worth despite my hurt and disappointments. Bottom line, after realizing that I had to like myself before anyone else would like me, I learned how to fight for the person living inside my skin.

I was willing to fight for her because I got to know her. I liked her. I understood her. I began to see her value. I viewed her as a good person. There wasn’t a doubt that she wasn’t worth fighting for. Maybe you don’t like who you are right now. Let me suggest that you’re not looking at what makes you special. It’s unfortunate that many people will use every breath they take fighting for a relationship that doesn’t mean them any good, but won’t give a second thought to the unique person living inside of them. Perhaps because they don’t realize that there is such a being within them? Oh, but there is!

There’s a person of personality, character, and substance. A person that was born to make an impact. A person destined for greatness. A person that can handle every obstacle, challenge, and perceived defeat. A person who doesn’t have to emulate someone else to feel important and be accepted. A person who refuses to get attention through retaliation or by acting out someone else’s pain. Without a doubt, I know there’s a person like this lives inside of you!

Copyrights 2018 S. Renee Smith. An excerpt from my book, There Is More Inside: Personal Essentials to Living a Power-Packed Life. Now, on Kindle for .99 cents.

 

Your Communication Style: What You Don’t Know Could Be Hindering Your Success

Chances are, you’ve seen, heard, and experienced all these styles in your interactions with others. Your usual style will likely fall into one of these categories, though it may change depending upon the situation.

Where do you fit?

Passive communicators have an established pattern of deliberately avoiding conflict by withholding their opinions, feelings, and ideas from others. Because they fail to set well-de ned boundaries, their rights are often violated. Passive communicators feel fearful, helpless, and invisible because they ignore their own needs while giving others permission to impose their will on them.

Aggressive communicators can appear to others as selfish, immature, and impulsive. Instead of taking responsibility for their actions, they may attack and blame others for the situation. They tend to have a low threshold for listening, triggering repeated interruptions while others are talking.

Passive-aggressive communicators are a combination of the passive communicator, who refuses to address problems, and the aggressive communicator, who lashes out. The difference between the aggressive communicator and the passive-aggressive communicator is that the passive-aggressive communicator’s behavior is unexpected. They appear to be cooperative, but their real agenda is vastly different.

Assertive communicators consciously enter into an unspoken agreement for the purpose of exchanging opinions, thoughts, feelings, and ideas. This joint agreement comes with an understanding that there are indisputable rights and privileges for the individuals who decide to participate in conversation.

These rights and privileges establish a collaborative expectation that sets the stage for a meaningful and successful exchange. This does not mean that every exchange will end in harmony. Most often the target is agreement, but the key is to maintain the overall health of the relationship even if the conversation begins to get chaotic and ends in disagreement.

Do you want to improve your relationships, position yourself for a promotion or speak up for yourself?

Click the link to get your copy. 5 Steps to Assertiveness How to Communicate with Confidence and Get What You Want.  

Copyrights 2018 S. Renee Smith, www.srenee.com. For speaking or coaching services call 888-588-0423.

 

5 Questions to Ask Yourself When You’ve Been Fired

I received an urgent call. ’ll call her Dr. Dee. Recently, due to new leadership, Dr. Dee had been released from her responsibilities in academia. She called me after months of applying for jobs she was well qualified for but failing to get even an acknowledgment of her interest. After earning a terminal degree, accumulating years of experience, and having a published book under her belt, she expressed to me that she felt invisible.

We decided that a reasonable goal would be for her to get interviews. I requested that she email me the current materials she was sending to potential employers along with a few job descriptions.

After careful review, I could clearly see why she wasn’t landing any job interviews. Her materials were well written. Like most people, they communicated her experience, but they didn’t reflect the results she created. I decided that the most time-effective strategy would be to interview her.

After I had gathered the data, she was astounded by how much she had contributed to increasing profits through student retention, negotiation, and leadership. She had implemented student development programs that increased student retention. She had increased productivity by bridging the communication gap between the administration and faculty. Her motivational style and reward system created healthy competition and focus within her department.

After we packaged and positioned her value, I was confident that she had a competitive advantage. Within a week, she had her first interview. Before the 14th day, she sent me an email saying she was a finalist for a vice president position. She didn’t get that position, but within 30 days, she was named the vice president of student affairs at a university.

Like a lawyer shaping a story in the minds of a judge and jury, building a brand requires a story. Your story should pique a person’s interest because of its human elements and value to the organization. Your answers to the following questions will help shape your story:

*  Who do you help?

*  Why do you help them?

*  How do you help them?

*  What results do you create when you help them?

Keep in mind that the “why” component is enormously important. How many times during an interview have you been asked, “What motivates you?” On the surface, it appears to be a simple get-to-know-you question — a question that’s seeking to determine whether you’ll show up every day for work. But for the person who has to make a ruling about being around you for conceivably years to come, the question really being asked is “Why did you wake up today?”

This is an excerpt from the book Self-Esteem for Dummies. Visit www.srenee.com to learn more about my coaching services.

Copyright 2018. All rights reserved. S. Renee Smith

Letting Go of Failed Performances

I know it can be hard to stop the tape playing over in your mind. What happened, how it happened and what you wish didn’t happened. But remember, people understand making mistakes. In fact, it is likely that you are thinking about it more than anyone else.

When you require yourself to hit the bull’s-eye every time, you create a false expectation of yourself and others. Subsequently, you probably find it difficult to accept your mistakes and forgive others for theirs. The greater shame is that you miss the good fortune of the mistake — the lesson. Plus, you set the conditions for yourself to have to repeat it again.

Letting go requires three steps:

1. Acknowledge responsibility.

Without shame or guilt, take responsibility for the mistake.

2. Look for and learn the lesson.

You subconsciously created the lesson. Understand what you were to learn.

3. Share what you learned with someone else.

By sharing the lesson with someone else, you replace your feelings of disappointment with feeling of gratitude for the opportunity to help someone else. This is how you mature. Additionally, when you share the lesson, it works as therapy for you in that it releases its power over you.

By the way, don’t let imperfect people hold you to a perfect standard.

This is an excerpt from the book Self-Esteem for Dummies. For my free 90-minute audio course sign up here, How to Create Buzz and Grow Your Life and Business. 

Copyright 2018. All rights reserved. S. Renee Smith

 

It’s My Fault?! How Internal Issues Trigger Negative Responses

Becoming aware of yourself, your internal barriers, and what triggers them changes your view of the world and the world’s view of you. The reason is this: If an external event bothers you, it’s caused by your internal interpretation of the event.

When you look to and within yourself first for understanding of what’s driving you to think and feel the way you do, you grow in your understanding of yourself and become more likable because you feel freer to be yourself and others feel free to be themselves around you.

Have you ever been around a person who wants to control everything? What does it feel like? Suffocating? Uncomfortable? Unless you’ve become highly skilled at dealing with people and their issues and situations, you can feel that person’s emotions and they can impact your emotional state.

We take a look at your internal barriers, which keep you from being your authentic self, and your perception of the people whose emotions you take on as a result of being around them.

Have you ever been around a person who is miserable? Did you start your day feeling great, but feel miserable after spending time with that person? Have you ever wondered, “How did I go from feeling happy to feeling awful?”

Consider the following possibilities:

1. I hold the person in high regard, and this is my way of respecting him.

2. I want to be liked by this person, and this is my way of getting him to accept me.

3. The person is in a position of authority, and I think this is the response he expects from me.

Taking on negative emotions isn’t the best way to show your loyalty and respect toward a person. When you learn to stand in your own power, you understand the importance of setting and living according to your own emotional state.

This is an excerpt from the book Self-Esteem for Dummies. For my free 90-minute audio course sign up here, How to Create Buzz and Grow Your Life and Business. 

Copyright 2018. All rights reserved. S. Renee Smith

Missed Goals…The Best Opportunity for Success

And the winner is . . .

Have you ever wondered what determines who takes home the trophy? Who gets the promotion? Who lands the contract?

Is there something that losers fail to do that gives their opposition an advantage? Or is it something winners do that gives them an edge?

When it comes to reaching a goal, all things may appear equal, but they never are. People who experience success believe in themselves, develop the right attitude, and refuse to take no for an answer. People who experience the success they want and beyond do those things and more.

What is the “more.” Intentional success comes through the clarity of your mind, the understanding of your heart, and knowing the endurance of your body. If you want to be like a well-trained athlete who listens, learns, and follows the instructions of his coach to get the results he wants, then you must weigh the following:

1. The purpose of setting a goal is to keep you focused and to determine whether you’re creating what you say you want. Because goals only take into account raw data called outcomes, we as self-development experts don’t believe the achievement or lack of achievement of a goal is the complete picture of success.

The journey to achieving your goal can significantly enrich your life — increasing your confidence and introducing you to phenomenal things about yourself. This philosophy doesn’t negate the importance of goals; it only seeks to ensure that you don’t believe your self-worth is contingent on a projected outcome, because it isn’t.

2. Many factors influence the achievement of a goal. For the most part, achieving your goals depends on you. But when and how you achieve your goals can be influenced by external factors.

For example, most Olympians train from the time they’re 5 or 6 years old. Each athlete is well trained by a top coach. Each has pushed himself beyond his limits. Each has prepared himself to win. Each has set the goal to take home the gold — but only one will.

The reality of setting goals is that you will face defeat. The purpose of defeat is not to hurt or stop you or cause you to give up. It’s simply to offer you the lessons you need to sustain you when you reach your goal. Here’s how to deal with fail goals:

Try again. Believing in something when there isn’t any evidence that it’s likely to happen can be difficult, but your willingness to persevere and keep trying is the force that manifests it into reality.

Find an alternative. There’s more than one way to reach any goal — be creative. See the nearby sidebar, “Before they die,” for an example.

Improve your abilities. Some goals aren’t reached because you’re not ready. Keep practicing, improving, and building your skills.

Evaluate your focus, desires, and drive. Some goals require more than you expect. Make sure you’re giving it all you have and that you have the fortitude to go the distance.

Accept that it’s not meant to be. Positive thinking, affirmations, and practice won’t help you became a brain surgeon unless you are gifted in math and science and have an educational foundation that will support you. Although anything is possible, everything isn’t always practical.

This is an excerpt from the book Self-Esteem for Dummies. For my free 90-minute audio course sign up here, How to Create Buzz and Grow Your Life and Business. 

Copyright. All rights reserved. 2018 S. Renee Smith.

Feeling Devalued Means You Don’t Fully Understand Branding

“Any questions?” I asked. I had just concluded a 90-minute workshop on personal branding. The questions started pouring in when suddenly, everyone fell silent as we heard these words:

“Why can’t I get the promotion? I’m a great worker. I arrive early and stay late. I ace special projects, and I’m often praised for my work performance.” Pausing, he continued, “I shut my mouth, do my job, and go home.”

Do you ever feel that way — devalued?

Personal branding, in theory, is very similar to product branding. Products have a purpose. They have specific characteristics that make them appealing. They solve problems for targeted markets, which are also called audiences. When they bring the anticipated value, a buzz is created and demand increases.

Keep the following points in mind about branding:

1. Your brand is not identical to your reputation. When a group of people is asked the question: “Do you have a brand?” typically, the majority respond, “No.” The next question is, “Is your brand your reputation?” Most say, “Yes.” That’s partially correct. Reputation emphasizes your character. Your brand is your reputation and what people expect to get from what you do.

Here’s the difference. “He’s a good, honest businessman” is an example of reputation. “He’s a good, honest business man who sells quality, well-priced used cars to middle-class families” exemplifies a brand.

2. Image and branding are different. Many people are also under the impression that their image is their brand. Your image is the perception that people have of you as a result of seeing and/or having minor interactions with you. Your image is an opinion without any real understanding of who you are or what you do.  Your brand is a result of others having direct contact with you or a testimony from a reputable resource who has had an experience with you. Your brand has an image component, but your image doesn’t have a brand component.

3. People are clear about your brand, even if you aren’t. As mentioned, most people don’t believe they have a brand. Nor have they given much thought to personal branding. Although you may not know the value you bring to your business and personal relationships, that doesn’t mean the people you interact with haven’t calculated the value you bring to their lives. What they know about you is the barometer they use to determine which promotions, assignments, and invitations are extended to you.

This is an excerpt from the book Self-Esteem for Dummies. For my free 90-minute audio course sign up here, How to Create Buzz and Grow Your Life and Business. 

Copyright. All rights reserved. 2018 S. Renee Smith.

Convert Anxiety to Empowerment Using Assertiveness for Weaponry During War

Not knowing how to act in a certain situation, and not knowing what the likely outcome will be as a result can certainly cause you to feel anxious. For instance, you head to your boss’ office for your yearly performance review, and you feel a knot forming in your stomach. Or you are having a discussion at a family dinner, the conversation turns contentious, and you become tongue-tied. Or you walk onstage to give a speech and your heart starts uttering and your hands get clammy.

We all have moments when we worry about the outcome of an event. It is unsettling when you’re uncertain about the future, or when a negative situation escalates. Whether the threat is a failed performance, a tongue-lashing, or a fault- nding critique, the anxiety exists because you believe that danger is lurking, which makes you feel unsafe and in need of protection. This feeling of helplessness may cause you to want to escape rather than boldly face the challenge. This reaction is disempowering.

Disempowerment is a result of you telling yourself that you are not equipped to properly handle the situation. You need to assert to yourself that you are the authority over your life. When you practice being assertive, you begin to expect your rights in the communication agreement to be honored.

Maybe you won’t get a good performance review; that’s okay, because you will assertively state your position to your boss, and you will leave the review with the feeling of being heard. Not every person you interact with will like or understand you. In fact, you may have to get up from the dinner table to opt out of taking part in a heated debate. But know this: Empowering yourself with assertive communication skills assures you that you have the capacity to courageously face any challenge with clarity and determination, thereby reducing the anxiety that arises from uncertainty.

5 Steps to Assertiveness

1. Know Your Starting Point: You have to know where you stand in the communication experience. Do you speak up for yourself? Do you often walk away from conversations wishing for what you would have liked to have happened?

2. Listen Assertively. Listen to what’s being said without judging it and funneling it through your issues.

3. Communicate Assertively Without Words. Body language is a very effective resource so use it.

4. Speak Up. Say what you want to say in a way that honors and respects yourself and others.

5. Face Feedback. You can’t critique yourself so let others help you get to where you want to go.

This is an excerpt from my book, 5 Steps to Assertiveness How to Communicate with Confidence and Get What You Want.  Click the link to order now.

Copyrights 2018 S. Renee Smith, www.srenee.com. For speaking or coaching services call 888-588-0423.